Christmas without my dad.

This Christmas was unlike any other. I spent the night before Christmas, crying on and off throughout the night, with constant thoughts of my dad running through my head. I kept thinking about last Christmas. How weak my dad already was but how grateful we all were to have him home for the holiday. It is definitely a day I would love to go back to. But then I kept remembering that he is no longer here. I can't believe that so much time has already passed. It feels like it was just yesterday when I was making daily hospital visits. I can't fathom the fact that it has almost been a year. 8 days until it marks one year since my dads passing. My heart aches thinking about it.
 
This Christmas the family got matching pajamas and my sister made little ones for Lily and Dylan. And to have my dad with all us she cut out hearts from one of my dads old shirts and sewed them onto all of our pants. Definitely the greatest pair of pants I have. A difficult Christmas but a joy to share it with my family. That heart is a reminder of my dad and I will always carry him in my heart. 

My brother, sister, and I dropped by the cemetery to visit my dad on Christmas as well. It was beautiful to see so many poinsettias, trees and Christmas decorations everywhere. As well as numerous people visiting their loved ones.  

So much pain, but so much love. So many tears, but so many memories. So much hurt, but so much to remember.Christmas was not the same. But its a comfort knowing that my dad is no longer in pain. I miss you with my whole heart. Its been a tough year but we are getting through.
I love you dad.

my Christmas wish.

This time last year, I was visiting my dad at the hospital daily. With my only Christmas wish being that he could come home for Christmas, so we could spend it as a family, in the comfort of our home. And to my hearts delight, that Christmas wish came true and he was able to come home for Christmas but was brought back just days later. I remember him being weak on Christmas, just laying in the bed we had downstairs in his make shift room we created in our family room. But I did see smiles appear on his face as we watched my niece open her Christmas presents. Little did I know that it would be our last Christmas together. With Christmas fastly approaching, its hard to think of how Christmas will be without him.
I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could have him back. To hug him again. To share in laughs. To make more memories. To listen to him sing karaoke. To cherish more moments together. To take more pictures. To hear more stories. To have us all together again. My Christmas wish would be to have my dad back. But since I can't have that all I want is to see a cure for cancer. I will continue this fight. I will continue raising money. If you want to help me raise money you always can, the link is on the side. If I can't have my dad, I will continue keeping his memory alive.
I know we will get through this Christmas, but I know my dad will be on my mind always. I carry him with me at all times. Every practice. Every run. I dedicate to my dad. Every dollar I raise, is in his memory.
My heart aches more as each day passes. Each day getting closer to the memory of our last Christmas together. Each day getting closer to the last days spent together. Each day is a day without my dad.  But my heart is always with him.
One of the last presents I ever got my dad was the book: Why a daughter needs a dad . I'd love to just share another day with him. To let him know just how much he means to me. To let him know that I will never stop fighting. To let him know just how much I need him. To say I LOVE YOU,  one last time.
I love you, dad. To the moon and back.

A freedom found in running

 "Running gives freedom. When you run you can determine your own tempo. You can choose your own course and think whatever you want. Nobody tells you what to do."  -Nina Kuscik

Saturday- The day of the week I truly look forward to. I wake up at 5:20am to be at practice by 6:30am. When I wake the sun has not made an appearance yet. Darkness filling the sky. The streets practically empty. Not a single neighbor up. But I choose to get up anyway. Because I know that when I get to practice, I will find myself surrounded by some of the most incredible and inspiring people I have ever met. I will be around my TNT family. I get up early- each and every Saturday to RUN. To run in order for a cure for cancer to be found. I run in the midst of CANCER KILLERS. I run those miles for those who can't. I run for those that we love, for those that are survivors, for those fighting and for those loved ones that we have lost. I run because I CAN. I run on the good and bad days. The days where a smile is constantly on my face to days when it takes a little more effort. No matter how I am feeling-- I know that a smile CAN be put on my face, just by being around such amazing people.  I wake up every Saturday with a spirit in my heart unlike any other. I wake up every Saturday to spread awareness of The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I wake up early because I know I am making a difference. I am blessed to have met such supportive and giving people.  I wake up early every Saturday to be in their presence. To fight for a cure with them. And to run---to run those miles because we are fortunate enough to. With a breath of fresh air, we run. We run distances I never imagined running-- but we run them anyway! The miles are just a small part of what we do, it may be tough at times but we always get through them..TOGETHER.
Saturday's-- the day of the week I truly look forward to.

improvements are being made. one run at a time.

In May when I started with Team in Training, for my first season, the very first practice we had was a pace assessment. In that 5k pace assessment my time was close to 45 minutes. I was just happy to finish those 3.1 miles. From someone who never ran more than a mile, and wasn't very physically fit at the time, I was content with that time, with hopes that I would improve. And I knew, that with the Team, I would run more miles than I ever expected myself to.

July 4, 2011 we had another pace assessment, another 5k, with my time being 39:29. Knocking about 5 minutes from my first 5k in less than 2 months of training. Amazing how a little training could go such a long way.

And last night November 29, 2011 I did another pace assessment. This time, my time was 35:08. My fastest 5k thus far with a pace of about 11:20/mi. Another improvement, another personal record. It may not be considered that great of a time to other people, but I see it as quite an accomplishment. 6 months ago I took close to 10 minutes longer running 3.1 miles. Being able to knock off those minutes from my time show me that I have grown as a runner, that with practice and consistency-- it pays off. Those 3.1 miles do not seem so difficult anymore. To me, those miles have led me on this journey, they mark my first day with Team in Training, they signify a life transformed.

There are many miles to be ran...the training continues.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time to still be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time and remember that time waits for no one.

So stop waiting; until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination."
- Alfred D'Souza

runs on the horizon.

If you asked me 6 months ago if I ever thought I would be excited to run, my answer would most likely be NO! But now I have grown to-- not exactly love it, but enjoy it, and appreciate the fact that I CAN run. Running provides me a feeling of being alive. Feeling free. Feeling accomplished. Feeling motivated. Feeling To lace up my shoes and head to the open road for a run, it feels great. One of my favorite running quotes comes from John Bingham, he says "If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run." The words are true. If you can-- get out there and run, anyone can do it!! I have a couple runs set out for myself on the horizon. I have the Tinkerbell 1/2 Marathon at The Happiest Place on Earth on January 29, 2012. 62 days til!!! An inaugural Disney run "for women, full of pixie dust and Never, Never Land adventure". A run with Team In Training, a run through Disneyland and the City of Anaheim. A fun run I truly look forward to! Run number two is the Inaugural Pasadena Rock n' Roll 1/2 Marathon on February 19, 2012. A run throughout the city of Pasadena, starting and ending at the infamous Rose Bowl. The place I train every Saturday with Team in Training. And my first Rock n' Roll event! Run number 3 is the Honda LA Marathon on March 18, 2012. It will be my first full marathon--26.2 miles-- and a run I am nervous for, but am quite excited for. Those 26.2 miles will be a journey... a challenge but I will train my hardest, a WILL run it!! The course is referred to as "The Stadium to the Sea". It starts at Dodger Stadium, goes through Downtown LA, Hollywood Boulevard, Sunset Strip, West Hollywood, Rodeo Drive, and Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica where it ends at the beach. A course full of many iconic sites that I look forward to run along! And finally, run number four is The inaugural Hollywood Half Marathon on April 7, 2012. They say the run is going to "tour the streets of LA like never before...Run down the World Famous Walk of Fame as thousands of spectators cheers your name!" It should be an exciting run! And the medal isn't too shabby either!
4 runs. 65.5 miles. The training continues!

giving thanks.

Thanksgiving is here.

I feel as though this year has truly flown by, I have no idea where the days have gone.

I sit here reflecting on this past year and I realize there is much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. For the memories that we have made. For our strengthened bonds. For the love we share.

I am thankful for life.

I am thankful for Team in Training. I have made countless memories with the Team this passed year. I have met an incredible amount of people-- that I met as strangers but am blessed to now call them my TNT family.I have grown as a person with their help. I have become stronger. I have become more alive. I have learned to grieve. I have released needed tears. I have been provided a great support system. I have become a runner. I am happy to have raised thousands of dollars for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I have accomplished goals I never thought possible-- complete 2 half marathons. I have become a Cancer Killer.

I am thankful for Thanksgiving last year. To be able to share that Thanksgiving with my dad, with family surrounding the table. To give thanks as one. I had no idea that last year would be our last Thanksgiving together. Had I known, I would have treasured the day more. But I still hold it in my heart, with every fiber of my being. It is a Thanksgiving I will always remember, A day I will always look back on fondly, A day I truly give thanks for.

A new journey begins.

6 months ago I found myself on a journey that has changed my life. An incredible journey with Team in Training. I joined Team in Training for a few reasons:

• To cross something off my life list

• To be a part of something far bigger than myself

• To raise money and awareness for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society

• To do something in honor and memory of my dad, who lost his 5 month battle to Non-Hodgkin T-cell Lymphoma on January 7, 2011.

When I got that call from Team in Training, prior to signing up, providing me with information about the cause, not even a minute into the conversation I was already searching for my wallet, finding my credit card, ready to sign up! I knew that at that moment it was important and the perfect time for me to join the INCREDIBLE TEAM. Little did I know just how remarkable the ride would be. As difficult as it was losing my dad, and as fresh as the wound was, I thought this would be a great way to honor my dad’s memory as well as heal my heart. Before Team in Training, after my dad passed I had more bad days than good, I had more tears shed than I could ever imagine, I had my spirit withering away and I had a heart breaking with every passing day. But from that first practice, that moment I met my Team--- everything changed. To witness such passion from teammates, to see their drive, their courage, their strength, their unbelievable support, to listening to their inspiring words—it is truly a site to see, it is ELECTRIFYING and I think it’s contagious! My journey with my amazing TEAM has brought me such joy.. it has given me more good days than bad, more smiles than tears, a spirit fully alive and on fire, and a heart being put back together each passing day. I am honored to be a part of the team, to stand in their midst, to fight with them by my side for a cure, to be a CANCER KILLER and to call them my TNT family! I met amazing people through Team in Training-- and I know I will forever have a bond with them all. With the help of incredible coaches, staff, and teammates, I was able to train and complete not one, but TWO HALF MARATHONS. The Disneyland 1/2 Marathon September 4, 2011 and The Nike Women's 1/2 Marathon October 16, 2011 while raising $5,485.18 for LLS. Both events were absolutely AMAZING. There are no words to truly explain just how awesome the experiences were. I am happy to say I did what I set out to do, I met incredible people along the way, I ran the farthest I ever have, TNT helped me grieve and gain strength from losing my dad.. my life has been forever changed.And although that season with Team in Training has ended, the bonds and memories will last forever. Those were truly 5 of the most incredible and eye-opening months of my life, that will ALWAYS and forever have place in my heart.

But a new journey has begun. Another journey with Team in Training, I have come back another season but this time as a mentor. Definitely a different journey but a great journey. My experience last season was so amazing that I HAD to come back. I am ready to grow, ready to train, ready to make new friends, and make people more aware of TNT and LLS!

Here is to the journey! Time to take that first step!