A race unfinished

The LA Marathon, is definitely a race to remember. And not in the way I had expected it to be remembered.  It started as a race day like any other, with excitement and nerves filling the air. Waking up in the wee hours of the morning to meet the Team as they get pumped for the race ahead. With smiles on their faces, teammates gathered in the lobby as we waited to make our way to Dodgers Stadium. It’s always so exciting to see the joy and pure excitement on everyone’s faces before the race. With the cold chill in the air and fear of rain we made our way to Dodgers Stadium. We hydrated. Had many trips to the bathroom. And waited. Waited for our race to start. For many it was their first race, and for myself it was my first full marathon. So as the excitement built up and time passed us by we made our way to line up and get ready for the main event! As they announced us to "GO" fears and worry left us and excitement and a journey began. To see my teammates start their race put a smile on my face. To see my mentees, my friends, my teammates start their trek of 26.2 miles, after many months of training and fundraising--truly brought me joy. 

For myself, the race started amazingly. My pace was good and I was enjoying seeing so many people running the streets of LA, in all sorts of interesting outfits. I knew I was going to have people cheering at different miles-- so even if the miles got tough I knew they would be there to get me through. TNT staff would be all over the course at set miles, Coach Kiley would be sweeping the first 13.1 miles and Coach Nat at the second half, Coach Juan mile 16-20, Coach Pete mile 20-26, Coach Ryan around mile 20 something with Pantipa, Roy, and Lisa, my boyfriend Josh at mile 9, my cousin Revi at mile 9, Cassandra, Veronica, Tony, Bertha, and Liz along the course, Honored Teammate Virginia at around mile 20,  and my mom, aunts, and uncles at the finish line. Knowing that I would cross all of their paths, put smiles on my hearts just knowing I would see their smiling and encouraging faces!

I was feeling good, running my race, making my way up and down hills, and smiling for the cameras. And crying tears of joy along the way, with the support of people along the course. On my bib, I had it say "For my dad" and I can't even tell you how many spectators mentioned that as I made my way past them. The first camera guy, took my picture as I smiled and pointed to my bib and said "In this moment, you are making your dad proud, keep on running". That was the start of the race and I already had tears in my eyes. One after the other people provided so much encouragement. But there was a moment around mile 7, where a group of about 10 people were cheering, and the first guy saw my bib and started cheering "For your dad" and within seconds, each and everyone one of those people were cheering "For your dad", with smiles on their faces and hands stretched out to give me those high fives, which provide far more support than one can imagine. 

But what started to be a race that I was feeling good about, slowly turned into a race full of pain. At around mile 8, my left knee and leg started to bother me, so I made my way to the nearest medical aid station and they wrapped my knee up for me. With my knee wrapped I made my way to mile 9 where I was greeted with a much needed hug and encouragement from my boyfriend, I made my way a couple hundred feet along the course and my cousin Revi was cheering me on and she walked with me for a few minutes. Definitely a new found energy appeared, when seeing familiar faces. I continued on with the race but my knee was still bothering me, I thought, maybe it was the way they wrapped my knee, so instead of 3 minute run/ 1 minute walk intervals they turned into 3 minute walk/ and an attempt at 1 minute run. I stopped at the next medical aid station and they rewrapped my knee, tighter. I thought it felt a bit better tight but after a bit of walking, it wasn't feeling better anymore-- it was feeling far worse. I tried jogging but that was out of the question after a minute or so. So my new plan, walk the rest of the marathon. It would hurt, but maybe I could do it. I kept calculating, if I were to walk 20 minute miles, would I be swept up? 

For a good 20 minutes I was talking to myself, trying to do that math, to see if I could finish under 8 hours. By now my steps were small, my watch kept beeping to change intervals but I continued with a slow walk, with a limp in my step. And I noticed everyone passing me by, those on the course and those on the sidewalk. I tried stretching on the curb every now and then to see if that would help but it wasn't helping, and now the wrap on my leg was so tight it was unbearable. So I removed the wrap somewhere around mile 11 and just carried it with me. With tears in my eyes, a slow trek, I somehow made my way to mile 12. And found my to the curb where I sat for a bit to just try to comprehend what the heck was going on. After what seemed like 10 minutes I got back up and tried to walk again but, any pressure on my leg was unbelievable painful, like knives stabbing me and I felt as though my knee, my ankle, my leg.. would give out if I tried to take any more steps.  So I sat there. Not knowing exactly what I was going to do. I knew I would be unable to finish, but how would I get to the finish line?

About 3 1/2 hours into the marathon, as I sat on that curb, with participants passing me by, I texted Coach Ryan saying "Not sure I can finish my knee and calf are giving out. Sitting on the curb near mile 12. Can't get up from the curb at all" And his response to me was “Take a breather. Reassess. You will be the great sam I know with the medal or without”. So that is what I did, with tears streaming down my face, pain in my leg, but more so-- frustration and pain in my heart, because I knew I would not be finishing, not a single step more. A race I had set forth to finish months ago, my first full marathon, would not be completed. A race I had signed up for, to honor my dads memory, would be incomplete. My heart was broken. I knew Coach Kiley was sweeping the first half of the race, so I kept my eye peeled for him, since I saw TNTers still passing me by. And finally after over practically 45 minutes I saw Coach Kiley. And he stopped, checked to see how I was, made sure his final participant was okay and came back to me. And he stayed with me for over an hour, as we sat there: me-- disappointed, frustrated, angry and crying and Coach Kiley--  being extremely supportive and contacting TNT staff to find a way to get me to the Teams hotel. I was not a fundraising participant for this race but Coach Kiley would not leave my side (for that I am oh so grateful) and The Amazing TNT Staff worked it out and they would have the Campaign Managers stationed at mile 13.5 come to my aid once the last TNTer passed them. So we sat there, as people passed us by and eventually the streets were being cleaned. But I am happy to say a while later, 2 cars pulled up and they are fabulous TNT staff members! One of them being the incredible Erica, who drove me back to the hotel, while the other staff  member, I believe Jennifer brought Kiley to the finish line.

I am so grateful for all of them for making that happen. To get me to the hotel and for their love and support.  I honestly, do not know, what I would have done without them. I am so grateful for Team in Training, and their support whether I fundraised or not, they kept saying "we take care of our team". I am forever grateful. With traffic, because roads were closed, Erica and I slowly but surely made it to the hotel. She made she I was situated in the lobby before heading back out. Once I got to the hotel, my aunt and uncle got there as well to keep me company as we awaited for my brother to finish the marathon.

I sat there reading encouraging comments on my facebook, with tears constantly streaming down my face. I saw TNTer after TNTer making their way back, with their medals around their neck. And with every SGVer that I saw, I feel as though I shed tears with each of them. Happy with their accomplishments, but frustrated with myself. Each person I came in contact with provided me with such comforting words and support beyond measure. I thank all of you that saw me in that lobby: Coach Natalie, Sarah, Maggie, Erica, Janna, Rona, Andrea, Marti, Jen, Heidi (and more)- I take all of your supportive and kind words to heart. They really helped me get through such a draining and difficult day. I also thank everyone that texted, called, and wrote on my facebook these past few days. Your words, thoughts, prayers, well wishes, support--- I treasure it all.

I am blessed to know such incredibly supportive people, you ARE my TNT family, and I know I can count on you through the ups and downs.  

These are just a few of the kind words I received from such an incredible Cancer Killers. I take them all to heart.

“Miles are a number, but your impact is priceless. You will heal, you will continue to be annoyed by today's outcome, but I know you will conquer the next event with even more passion and heart!” -Maggie

“Sam - it takes courage and smarts to not be driven by ego and stop to live to run another day. Most never test their physical limits as you did with taking on the marathon. 26.2 is hard. Most people don't put themselves out there and raise a lot of money to help others. You have. The heart was there today as was the determination. Your body had other plans. Simple as that. Despite things not going the way you wanted you took the time to congratulate your TEAMMATES and share in their good day. What a great example of sportsmanship and what it means to be a TEAMMATE! Even though your day did not go as you wanted you have made us proud!” – Coach Kiley

“Sam, it's not about the miles or a finish line. Your example has inspired several of those who crossed the finish line yesterday. They wouldn't have made it without you. So if you want to count the miles you were responsible for hundreds of miles yesterday. You are a hero and an inspiration to your family, your adopted TNT family and everyone you come in contact with. We love you and are incredibly proud of you!” –Sarah

“Someone from TNT once posted: Courage does not always shout. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice saying "'I will try again tomorrow". That's you, darling Sam - we know you will always try again tomorrow. Love you.” -Barb

“It's the best that you listen to yr body!! And we all know u will never give up a fight to cancer!! That's all it matter!! Love u Sam!”  –Pantipa

“There will be other marathons . . .and your dad IS already proud of you. And so am I. And grateful to you also.  And an admirer of your talents. And so thankful our paths crossed.” – Honored Teammate Virginia

“You can see from the comments above how much you are loved and admired. Given your whole-hearted dedication to this cause, I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you not to finish - but you haven't lost the fight. That fight - and your infectious humor, writing talent and more - is what makes you Sam, and being Sam is what makes you amazing!” – Coach Natalie

“I just want to let you know that I’m so glad I joined the team. This experience has been life-changing, and I want to thank you everything you did for me this season. I have so so much respect for you, and I’m so glad we became better friends. I love you, and I think you’re so amazing and an inspiration to me. It doesn’t matter if you finished today or now. You are amazing, and I know you’re gonna do like 50 other marathons. I love you so much” -Heidi

Thank you, TEAM, for letting me know that its okay that I didn't finish. Its definitely taken some time to process it all, and maybe I'm still processing it, but I know I'll be okay. I know that even though I didn't finish 26.2 miles, I have still made my dad proud. I know that I will continue the fight with each passing day. I realized it wasn't so much about the receiving the medal at the end of the race, it was more so the finishing of the race in my dads memory.

Bu I know that I WILL complete a marathon! October. Nike Womens FULL Marathon. I will be there. Those 26.2 miles are mine to conquer.  And I will complete each mile, each step, for my dad.