Christmas without my dad.

This Christmas was unlike any other. I spent the night before Christmas, crying on and off throughout the night, with constant thoughts of my dad running through my head. I kept thinking about last Christmas. How weak my dad already was but how grateful we all were to have him home for the holiday. It is definitely a day I would love to go back to. But then I kept remembering that he is no longer here. I can't believe that so much time has already passed. It feels like it was just yesterday when I was making daily hospital visits. I can't fathom the fact that it has almost been a year. 8 days until it marks one year since my dads passing. My heart aches thinking about it.
 
This Christmas the family got matching pajamas and my sister made little ones for Lily and Dylan. And to have my dad with all us she cut out hearts from one of my dads old shirts and sewed them onto all of our pants. Definitely the greatest pair of pants I have. A difficult Christmas but a joy to share it with my family. That heart is a reminder of my dad and I will always carry him in my heart. 

My brother, sister, and I dropped by the cemetery to visit my dad on Christmas as well. It was beautiful to see so many poinsettias, trees and Christmas decorations everywhere. As well as numerous people visiting their loved ones.  

So much pain, but so much love. So many tears, but so many memories. So much hurt, but so much to remember.Christmas was not the same. But its a comfort knowing that my dad is no longer in pain. I miss you with my whole heart. Its been a tough year but we are getting through.
I love you dad.

my Christmas wish.

This time last year, I was visiting my dad at the hospital daily. With my only Christmas wish being that he could come home for Christmas, so we could spend it as a family, in the comfort of our home. And to my hearts delight, that Christmas wish came true and he was able to come home for Christmas but was brought back just days later. I remember him being weak on Christmas, just laying in the bed we had downstairs in his make shift room we created in our family room. But I did see smiles appear on his face as we watched my niece open her Christmas presents. Little did I know that it would be our last Christmas together. With Christmas fastly approaching, its hard to think of how Christmas will be without him.
I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could have him back. To hug him again. To share in laughs. To make more memories. To listen to him sing karaoke. To cherish more moments together. To take more pictures. To hear more stories. To have us all together again. My Christmas wish would be to have my dad back. But since I can't have that all I want is to see a cure for cancer. I will continue this fight. I will continue raising money. If you want to help me raise money you always can, the link is on the side. If I can't have my dad, I will continue keeping his memory alive.
I know we will get through this Christmas, but I know my dad will be on my mind always. I carry him with me at all times. Every practice. Every run. I dedicate to my dad. Every dollar I raise, is in his memory.
My heart aches more as each day passes. Each day getting closer to the memory of our last Christmas together. Each day getting closer to the last days spent together. Each day is a day without my dad.  But my heart is always with him.
One of the last presents I ever got my dad was the book: Why a daughter needs a dad . I'd love to just share another day with him. To let him know just how much he means to me. To let him know that I will never stop fighting. To let him know just how much I need him. To say I LOVE YOU,  one last time.
I love you, dad. To the moon and back.

A freedom found in running

 "Running gives freedom. When you run you can determine your own tempo. You can choose your own course and think whatever you want. Nobody tells you what to do."  -Nina Kuscik

Saturday- The day of the week I truly look forward to. I wake up at 5:20am to be at practice by 6:30am. When I wake the sun has not made an appearance yet. Darkness filling the sky. The streets practically empty. Not a single neighbor up. But I choose to get up anyway. Because I know that when I get to practice, I will find myself surrounded by some of the most incredible and inspiring people I have ever met. I will be around my TNT family. I get up early- each and every Saturday to RUN. To run in order for a cure for cancer to be found. I run in the midst of CANCER KILLERS. I run those miles for those who can't. I run for those that we love, for those that are survivors, for those fighting and for those loved ones that we have lost. I run because I CAN. I run on the good and bad days. The days where a smile is constantly on my face to days when it takes a little more effort. No matter how I am feeling-- I know that a smile CAN be put on my face, just by being around such amazing people.  I wake up every Saturday with a spirit in my heart unlike any other. I wake up every Saturday to spread awareness of The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. I wake up early because I know I am making a difference. I am blessed to have met such supportive and giving people.  I wake up early every Saturday to be in their presence. To fight for a cure with them. And to run---to run those miles because we are fortunate enough to. With a breath of fresh air, we run. We run distances I never imagined running-- but we run them anyway! The miles are just a small part of what we do, it may be tough at times but we always get through them..TOGETHER.
Saturday's-- the day of the week I truly look forward to.